Article 2- June 24
Setting Boundaries in Relationships
How Knowing Your Limits and Voicing Them Can Keep You Safe
by Kirstianna Guerrero, KSYLF '18 and Faces '20 Alumna, KYEA Program Coordinator
Have you ever heard the phrase “That crossed a line!”? Well, that line represents a boundary. Let’s take a deeper look into what that means.
I’ve heard that you need to set boundaries to have healthy relationships, but I didn’t fully understand what that looked like. It was just a confusing concept to me. The need for boundaries finally made sense after my first experience using a Personal Care Attendant (PCA) on a work trip. I carefully communicated my needs beforehand, but all throughout it, they repeatedly would “help” me in the way they thought was best and wouldn’t listen when I asked them to stop or do it differently. This led to situations where I felt uncomfortable and powerless. That experience laid the foundation of understanding why, when, and how I need to set boundaries to be the happiest and most successful me I can be. So, here’s what I learned:
Setting boundaries is an important step to take in any relationship, and I mean any relationship! Friendships, Romantic Partners, Coworkers, Teachers, Classmates, Family, etc.
If someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you can set a boundary, no matter how big or little that thing may seem. Things like calling you by a nickname they made up for you, assuming what you’d want to eat so they order without asking you, giving you a hug every time they see you, or “borrowing” something of yours without permission. You can draw the line on something someone does with their actions or their words. It can be something they’ve done once or over and over again. It is never too early or too late to set a boundary.
But, if other people can’t see the line, how will they know that they are crossing it? Setting a boundary means communicating what you need them to do so that they can change their actions. Drawing that line so they can see when they cross it gives them the opportunity to take responsibility. Once you draw that line, you can show them when they cross it. That’s called holding them accountable. If someone truly cares about you, they will respect your boundaries because they won’t see it as just another thing they can’t do, they will see it as another way to show that they respect and listen to you.
So, how do we set a boundary with communication? A great tool for this is the WIN Technique! It stands for “When you… (Describe what they did),” “I feel… (Describe how it affected you),” “I Need… (Describe what action you need them to take).” WIN is a great way to walk through setting a boundary, especially when you are struggling to find your words.
Remember, like everything in life, setting boundaries is something you continue to work on, make mistakes, learn from, and grow. Every relationship is different, so the boundaries you set will look different, but every boundary is another step in living your best life with the people that you care about who care about you too!